Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking about serious things that I forget to step back and have a little fun. So I’ve instituted Fish in a Barrel to help me keep my sanity. The feature is designed for me to pick a pathetically easy target and have some fun making fun of it. I know, it’s not high criticism to pick on the helpless likes of Uwe Bolle or Nickelback. But damn if it doesn’t feel good.
Look, I’m not saying that the 2004 hit song “The Reason” (which reached all the way up to #2 on the Billboard charts!) is the worst song ever. There are much, much worse songs out there in this cruel world of ours. But if forced to pick a song I thought was the least essential song of all time, I think I’d go with this bland, soulless “take me back” ballad that sounds like the aural equivalent of overcooked oatmeal. If somehow all of the copies of this song were to be raptured into the skies at once, would anyone notice?
Poor Hoobastank. Though listeners encountering them for the first time through “The Reason” could be forgiven for thinking them something created in a lab with spare parts, they in fact had been performing together for ten years before breaking through with this song. They were apparently well thought of in their native SoCal stomping grounds. There are two possible explanations for this: either, as I’ve long suspected, Southern Californians are the worst kinds of people, or “The Reason” is not representative of their overall sound. I’m not sure which it is, but as I have no compelling reason to force my way through the Hoobastank catalog, I’m going with my theory about California (may she sink into the sea, but not really, but maybe just the O.C.).
Before we get to the real meat, let’s talk about that music. At least on this song, Hoobastank seems to have their feet planted firmly in the realm of what my friend (and Philistine rap expert) Dan calls “butt rock”. Other particularly rank offenders in this category include Nickelback and Creed, but the band I find most analogous to Hoobastank is Matchbox 20. Rob Thomas and crew manage to crank out a steady stream of forgettably bland rock “hits” in a slightly lighter milieu than the abomination bands led by Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp. “The Reason” has that toned down quality to it, powered by a lame guitar riff with all the edge of a Christian stand up comic.
Of course Hoobastank cannot even summon the courage to provide the more guilty pleasures afforded by Matchbox 20. Rob Thomas comes across in everything he does as a huge douche, but at least he owns that douchebaggery – there’s a touch of swagger he gives to Matchbox’s songs that help elevate them ever so slightly above the bottom of the barrel. Any personality trait that might elicit an emotion, positive or negative, seems strikingly absent from “The Reason.” It’s what an M20 song would be if Rob Thomas were a zombie who was constantly shooting up horse tranquilizers. Or the kind of song HAL 3000 and Data would team up to pen in the wake of heartbreak.
Honestly, I think people hoping to break into the songwriting business should spend several hours dissecting “The Reason” as an exact template of what NOT to do in songwriting. The biggest sin the song commits is the sin of vagueness. The song is supposedly about a guy telling a former lover that he’s sorry for what he’s done in the past but wants to change thanks to the inspiration she provides. But those highs and lows are only ever presented in the least specific terms possible. Look at this opening:
I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
Well ok, Hoobastank lead singer whose name I’m too lazy to look up but is probably Chad (Ed: It’s Doug. I was close.). You’re not a perfect person, but what does that mean? Do you pick your nose sometimes? Or are we talking, say, your habit of snorting blow off a hooker’s stomach? What sorts of lessons do you continue to learn? Don’t stick your finger in a socket kind of lessons, or don’t get involved with a South American dictator style lessons? And what, per se, did you do to this poor girl? Did you once make unflattering comments about her mother and/or fall asleep at her experimental poetry reading? Or did she catch you in bed with that complete bitch Jenny from down the hall that you know she hates?
I cannot imagine a less interesting confessional. Let’s contrast that with Nickelback’s breakthrough hit, “How You Remind Me”. As terrible as this song is (and by Zeus is it terrible), we at least get glimpses of what makes Chad Kroeger “how I really am”. There are references to drinking problems, and some hints at failed career paths (at least that’s what I’m hoping “couldn’t make it as a poor man stealing” is referring to). There’s at least a teeny tiny foothold to grab on to in the song, unlike in “The Reason” which is all smooth surfaces. Our Good Friend Doug goes on to assure his audience of one that
I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
Yes, that’s the chorus, in all its poetic glory. The last time he sings it, he gets extra tricky and changes the first two lines to “I’ve found a reason to show/A side of me you didn’t know”. Let’s just hope it’s a side with personality. My favorite theory about these lyrics is that OGFD (yes, he’s earned his own acronym) had a template laid out for the song. “Ok, here’s where he confesses what he’s done wrong, here’s where he says how sorry he is for the pain he caused her, here’s where he promises to change.” Then, somewhere along the line, he forgot to change the template out for actual lyrics that, you know, said something meaningful.
Of course there are some advantages to the tabula rasa of “The Reason”. Because there is no actual content to the song, the listener is free to construct their own meaning. Indeed, an especially sympathetic listener might construe the song as some sort of existentialist performance art, forcing the audience to construct their own meaning out of the void. I’m not sure I can be that generous to OGFD, but I am pretty sure that when Nietzsche asserted that “When you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you”, he was in fact uttering a prophecy that would only come true in the year of Our Good Friend Doug Two Thousand and Four.
“The Reason” is in fact a perfect Rorschach Test of a song. Feeling guilty about murdering your neighbor’s yappy dog and burying the bones? Find release in Hoobastank. Want to kick that nasty habit of defecating on public transportation? Our Good Friend Doug absolves you. Want to make a new start with your girlfriend after missing her birthday for a poker tournament due to your crippling gambling addiction? “The Reason” is here for you.
My brilliant and lovely wife, when I mentioned I was writing this article, suggested the perfect final home for this milquetoast song. She thinks that it should be adopted by Youth Groups everywhere as a praise and worship song. Really this is a brilliant solution. The stereotype is that praise and worship songs are just pop songs cleaned up and made about Jesus instead of that girl with the big boobs and cute bangs. “The Reason” carries it one step farther – there’s no need to change any of the lyrics (a la Oasis’ “Wonderwall”, which Dan tells me was modified by his youth group into “You’re my all in all”). Just plop it down on their plates like a mess of mashed potatoes in a cafeteria line and they will lap it up. Youth Group Teens already have terrible taste and will sing just about anything as long as you provide hand motions. For “The Reason” I’m thinking some slow back and forth wavy hands, with maybe a fist clench against the chest for the really heart rending parts. I cannot think of a better fate for a song so bland and unremarkable.
