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My mother, sporting a wicked ‘do, with the rest of us in tow.
Every Mother’s Day I have the chance to reflect on the women who have had an impact on my life in one way or another. Losing your mother at 13 changes you in permanent ways, but grace has abounded in my own life because of the women who have shared it with me.
My own mother, of course, was such a strong person that her legacy to me will always be imprinted in who I am, though she’s been gone for half my life at this point. Her courage of conviction and inner strength continue to challenge me, a person who prefers to remain aloof for his own protection.
I see so much of her reflected in my sister, Phoebe. Though of course we struggled and fought growing up, I literally cannot imagine having gotten through my teenage years with so much sanity intact without her. She continues to be an inspiration to me in life, and keep me connected to things that matter like books and music (even though she didn’t have my wisdom and foresight in picking the greatest instrument in the world).
My mother’s legacy was secured to me through the women who knew her much longer than I did. My grandmother Elisabeth Gelzer (Grandmaman) has always been a source of wonder to me: a curious, insatiable learner who would ply me with questions and always want to get to the bottom of things. I suspect she’s a big part of the unspoken reasons I became a philosophy major. My two maternal aunts, Rebekah and Charlotte, have been constant sources of warmth and love for me. Rebekah has always seemed to connect in my mind to the more sensory memories of my mother, the cooking and baking and gardening and singing which she always did with joy. Charlotte has been the restless intellectual, always pushing my thought in new directions (as those of you who read here regularly know). She for me embodies my mother’s own restless spirit, never settling for the status quo.
My father’s side of the family has also been a blessing to me. My aunt Audrey is one of the kindest, most considerate people I know, and has helped shape the way I think about how I treat other people. My grandmother, Mom Mom, who recently passed away, was one of the most tenacious people I have met. She was so outspoken and opinionated that it could be difficult to sense the great reserves of wisdom and kindness that ran underneath her surfaces, but she was an amazing woman who changed so many people’s lives through her generosity.
On an intellectual level, women have always been a formative influence on me. The women in my family, of course, have always been sharp and intelligent. I have also been shaped, though, by teachers through the years who have been intellectual mothers. Foremost of those was my AP Language (and 9th grade English) teacher, JDT. Her vivacity and love of language have stuck with me always, and I would count her as one of the three most important influences on my teaching style.
I have also been blessed by women, completely outside my family, who have taken me in and given me a place to call home over the years. In high school that meant Mrs. Jarvis, mother of my best friend, who always welcomed me with open arms, and put up with me invading her house at all hours. In college I had the example of Denise, an astounding woman who has such a depth of strength and kindness to her that it’s hard to fathom. These women showed me the joy and love of Christ in the midst of lots of instability in my life.
I’d also be remiss if I did not mention the many, many women who have put up with me in the capacity of a friend over the years. I’m not a particularly easy person to like, I think, and I’m especially bad at relating to women, but somehow or other wonderful women like Ashley, the Jennies, Tara, Crystal, Kathryn, Nicole, Syneva, Alisha, Amanda, Hannah, and Katie (and many, many more) have managed to stand me and have greatly enriched my life. They have showed me infinite kindness in the midst of my fumbling and futzing. I have even gotten to see a great many of them go on to marry dear friends, and thus have had ready made examples of the strange experience of being “couples friends”. A special shout out to my sister in law, Liz, who has endured years of terrible jokes and has always made me feel like a real part of the family.
Above everyone else, there have been three women who have stepped into the gaps of my life and shown me a mother’s love. The first is my stepmother Susan. I don’t know if I can even describe to you how wonderful she has been to me; we throw the phrase “_____ beyond words” around a lot, but in her case it really does apply. She has loved me steadily and solidly for a decade; she repayed my teenage bitterness with kindness and love, and has been patient enough to wait for our relationship to mature and bear fruit. She has loved, accepted, and opened her heart to me. She may never replace my mother (nor would she try), but I consider her to fully be my mother as well, and the grandmother of my children. Their other grandmother, my mother in law Caryl, is equally amazing. People are always surprised at how well I get along with my in laws, but from day one (even long before I married her daughter) Caryl has treated me like family. She is unfailingly generous and hospitable, and has blessed me in countless ways. The fact that she is willing to let our loud, messy family move into her house for an indefinite period of time while I get a PhD should tell you everything you need to know. And, while those two have been constant presences for us, my wife and I would never have made it these past five years of marriage (and three of parenting), without the constant love and support of my co-teacher, our friend, and honorary grandmother of our kids, Ellen. No one has taught me more about hospitality and kindness, about giving with both hands, than she has. All this while putting up with me on a day to day basis, which is a feat in and of itself.
And last, but of course also first: my wife Leslie. She manages to be so many things in my life: rock, encouragement, sparring partner, roommate, cleaner up of my messes. Above all, she has been someone who knows me utterly, has seen clear down to who I am (farther than I have, I’m sure), yet still loves me. She is ruthlessly loyal, and a fierce protector of those she loves. She is an incredible mother, balancing discipline and freedom, firmness and tenderness. She enriches and enhances my life in every way.
Do all these blessings, these wonderful people, add up to the loss of my mother? I do not know. I know that in many ways I continue to be haunted by her loss; I struggle with that fact all the time. Yet I also have known unspeakable blessing and healing because of the women I have met along the way. Listen to your life, as Frederick Buechner is fond of saying, listen closely because the sounds of grace are all around us.
A grace filled Mother’s Day to all women: to mothers, to daughters, to the pregnant, to those unable to bear children (and those who haven’t gotten around to it yet, or may choose never to do so), to those who have lost children and are in grief. Listen to your life – you never know when you will have the chance to be somebody’s vessel of motherly grace.
Image may be NSFW.
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Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
